The husband and I are so wishy washy sometime. I had it all figured out I wanted to go to the RE and not go through with Jon's possible surgery and just move on to IUI, but after talking to J he would really like to see the Urologist before the RE and see if he can do anything to fix what is wrong with him. I figured at this point it's his discision and I want him to be comfortable about it. So it has been 4 months since his last SA so I need to call and see if he needs to do a repeat for the appointment. I actually am anxious to see if anything has changed since the last, he quit smoking and started to take a small pharmacy worth of pills including L-cartanine which is suppose to help with the motility.

Also I am listening to Christmas music right now and have taken some of our christmas stuff out, don't judge me.

Family

I absolutly love the holidays and it usually doesn't get me down that I'm not pregnant or already have a baby I think it is because of how great mine and DH's family are. They know our troubles and they don't put to much emphesis on the fact we don't have a baby yet. I think this is in part because we won't be having the first grandchild. My SIL has 2 girls and my sister has a little girl so instead of being upset I find it fun to just play with my nieces and be greatful for what I do have. My DH and I are happy( even though we would love to have a baby) we are healthy, especially since DH quit smoking 4 months ago! And I am also thankful for the awesome family we do have even though they drive us nuts sometimes.

Oh yes, if I do get a reader from the bump and you think I may be switching my stories. my friday flame free confession was that my SIL is driving me crazy I do love her, but like I stated I think she has way too much time on her hands. She doesn't believe in herself to parent without calling my MIL 10 times a day. and really the only reason why it annoyed me so much was because I was being selfish I was talking to MIL about what DH and I have to go through now in terms of testing and hopefully getting pregnant, and SIL called twice while I was talking so she could talk about what one of my nieces had just done or what she should do about whatever. I love her but sometimes you just need to vent.

feeling down....

Finally got a hold of the RE office  today after 3 days of trying. I have called all day and no ones picks up or if she finally did pick up she couldn't hear me. Anyways after 3 days I finally get though and get some questions done. I get ready to set up an appointment, but because we don't have insurence I need to have the $300 for the appointment paid before I can even set up the appointment, so now I have to wait till hopefully next week to get the money and the appointment.

This whole thing is just discouraging, I can afford to have a baby just cant afford to make the baby plus everything is time sensitive so hopefully I can get in to see the RE sooner rather than later so the testing can be done next cycle and we can start treatment in January. It's pretty sad that I was determined to get pregnant in 2010 and that didn't happen, then I was determined to be pregnant in 2011 and that isn't going to happen so I really really REALLY hope it happens for 2012 cause this just sucks.

CD2

So CD 2 (Cycle Day 2) that means another month not pregnant and another month closer to when I will be, atleast thats the positive way I'm looking at it. I am sad it didn't happen, but really I don't have a hope every month like ohh this is the month!! Because medically wise it isn't going to happen atleast not yet.

Now from my pity party to that little bit of hope. I found a reproductive specialist center in NH it is about an hour and a half away, but I think we will finally be able to get the ball rolling. J and I have decided we really don't want to do a varicocele repair. this is when they widden one of the viens in the penis to allow better moving sperm to get through, we have done a lot of research and found sometimes it helps, sometimes it makes it worse and sometimes it doesn't do anything. After talking about it we aren't sure the risk is worth it.

By talking to the specialist we might be able to just move right on to an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination ) this is when they will take the good sperm from J do a wash and just insert it right into the uterus therfore more sperm would make it to the target. I feel this is where we want to go next because it has been 16 months of trying. So we will see what the specialist says when we get in to see her. hopefully I will have an appointment by the end of the day!

IF

IF or infertility is sucky and most of the time puts you on an emotional rollercoaster. This is mine and my husbands journey and basically a place where I can vent because a lot of people in my life dont know or understand what we are going through.  this is all I'm going to write for now because I am in charge of carting around my brother in law today ( more on that later...)
One hour later: So I totally miss read the invitation and got halfway to the place where the party was suppose to be and realized the party is tomorrow...so now I have double duties tomorrow and a 7 year old boy stuck at my house.
So moving on this is mine and J's (the husband) TTC {trying to Concieve) story. We have been trying for 17 months this month, we found out at about month 12 that we would have a hard time concieving on our own because A) I produce to little progesterone at the end of my cycle so I am not able to maintain a pregnancy if by some mirical it actually happened. B) I may not be having a "good" ovulation, yes this does happen you are producing an egg, but it might not be mature enough. and C) J's sperm is kind of lazy ( no joke thats what the OBGYN told us). so what it is the motility of the sperm and on a quality level of 1-5 we are at about a 2.
So with all this knowlage we can do a couple of things, but at this point you don't want to be under the care of your OBGYN anymore you need a specialist. There was a women on The Bump ( a pregnancy forum) who said an OBGYN is good for regular women check ups and after you are pregnant, but not to get you pregnant when you are dealing with IF. that is why we are going to be seeing a RE or a reproductive endocrinologist. I have just emailed a reproductive clinic that has a couple of offices in the area so hopefully in the next couple of months we will have some more definate answers.
That is it and if you have made it this far good job cause this was a long post :)