Family and Infertility....suck.

I know I complain about my SIL a lot and it may be because I am bitter and jealous of her children and the fact it took her a total 2 months for the first and 1 month for the second. Or it could also be that she is a little insensitive to what J and I are going through. I tend to think it is a little bit of both. My SIL tagged me in her daughter's dance photos and she is constanly calling me saying her girls miss me and want to see me, she seems to expect me to come over more than once a week to play with the girls. She is constantly asking me to "help" her with the girls becuase she can't take care of both of them at the same time. J thinks I am oversensitive, but honestly NO ONE understands what I am going through not having a body that works properly, I mean really this is what women are made for right? to bare children.
Today is definetely a low day for me in this infertility journey. I am in limbo waiting for my period to start so I can begin taking crappy meds and give myself shots with needles I'm terrifyed of, and possibly after doing all this to my body, find out that my husbands numbers suck and didn't wash well and waste another whole cycle.
Infertility sucks and sometimes so does my family. I feel so alone sometimes.

updates.

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted last. Not much is going on, I should be getting AF soon so finally we will be starting our IUI in the next 2 weeks! My husband's Cystic Fibrosis screening came back and he was negative! That was a huge relief. I had an HSG done, this basically checks my tubes to make sure they were clear, all was well, the doctor said she has never used such little dye and had it go through tubes so quickly. So on the baby front things are FINALLY moving along.

In other news I am a little annoyed. My BIL and SIL are having a BBQ next weekend and only people with kids are apparently invited, and as you can probably guess that means J and I weren't invited. This isn't the first time this has happened either. Last year when the whole family went to Maine, J and I weren't invited to the zoo with everyone else and when they had a truck show in town last summer we weren't invited then, oh and when they went to a local farm we weren't invited than either. Plus when we have family get togethers it revolves around when BIL, SIL and they're kids are able to come or depends on when the kids naps are. It's annoying and quite inconsiderate. I hope they realize that when J and I  have children it will no longer be all about them and their schedule.

When it Rains, it Pours....Some More.

Not only did my Nanny die this weekend I also got a call from my doctor to let me know I am a positive carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. I was freaking out about it because I had no idea where I inherited from, my great aunt apparently died from Cystic Fibrosis at 15 so that explained how I became a carrier. Fast forward to Monday, my DR called and cancelled my cycle so we were pushed off for another month and won’t be doing treatments this month. She wants DH to get tested first to make sure he isn’t also a carrier. In retrospect this makes sense and I really don’t think good things would have happened if I was on hormonal medication the week of my Nanny’s funeral, but it is so damn depressing to have to keep waiting.  And my bad luck doesn’t stop there oh no my car also broke down yesterday, almost $400 to fix it and this is the week rent is due so we won’t be able to get it fixed and have money to live off of. Thank goodness for my husband’s truck otherwise I wouldn’t be getting to work.

                So all and all things haven’t started looking back up again, I really hope they do soon cause I’m not sure how much more I can take.

Getting through....

The time I spent with my Nanny before she passed yesterday, I will always charish. I was in her hospital room with her and my Aunt Steph, and she was up in her chair, lively, and talking up a storm. she looked amazing, the best I have seen her in awhile. she was supposed to have a heart scan today to see what was going on and was scheduled to go home tomorrow. She asked how work was going and said how proud she was of me and my education endevers to become a nurse. She told Steph how proud she was of her for going back to work after her baby. There are somethings I wont share that was talked about because thoose are special private memories just for Steph and I, however I will say that she resited the poem "For whom the bell tolls" by John Donne.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know

For whom the bell tolls,

It tolls for thee.

Long Very Hard Day...

My Nanny passed away today and I am utterly devastated. I know she was 98 and she lived a long great life but that doesn’t change anything.  She had a heart attack yesterday and was in the hospital. I went to visit her this morning and she was up in her chair talking and joking. She looked the best that I have seen her in weeks and I really didn’t think this would be it. An hour after my family and my uncle’s family left she passed. Words cannot describe how awesome of a person she was and I will miss her dearly.

                It was a hard week overall. I got a call from my doctor telling me that I am a positive carrier for Cystic Fibrosis. My great Aunt (Nanny’s Daughter) passed from it at 15. It makes more sense why I am a carrier, but it means extra testing for my husband and extra worry. We are going through with our first IUI in the next two weeks. I start Clomid on Tuesday and have an ultra sound the following Tuesday and possibly an IUI on my Birthday May 4^th! I am excited, but it is a little nerve wracking. I really hope the Clomid doesn’t affect my mood because I will already be on a rollercoaster with my feelings this week with my Nanny passing.

That is all for now because honestly I don’t feel like talking about anything else.

Updates

 I know I haven't written in a while and a lot really has gone on since the last time. First things first, J and I went to the fertility specialist in the next town over to discuss our options. We both came to the conclusion that we did not want to go to the Urologist and wait around and see if  varicocele surgery would work, we decided to just move on with the next step to get pregnant. I loved my specialist and she was really knowledgeable. She explained that J didn’t need to do the surgery we still qualify for and IUI. So this is where we are starting Clomid + Trigger + IUI = Baby?  I had a ton of blood work to do before we began; as a matter of fact they took 7 vials just today.  We should be starting our first treatment in about 2 weeks!

                We really hope one cycle will work however that is not always the case; the IUI will bring our chances of conceiving up to 20-25%, this is about the same chance a normal healthy couple has every month. I did read though if an IUI is going to work it will in the first 3 treatments 90 % of the time. This sounds all great and dandy right? We will finally get a chance right? Well maybe not. The DR did say that J’s count changed so much from one SA to the next that actually his guys might not respond to the IUI wash well and we might not even get an IUI. The only good thing about that is we won’t be waiting around we would go right into IVF cycle planning. I hope it does not come to this because it is a lot more medication, more invasive and much more uncomfortable feeling for me.

                If we do end up doing IUI however this is what it would look like:

1)      On Cycle day 5 (CD5) I will start Clomid, this little pill causes bloat, hot flashes, uncomfortable abdomen pain and sometimes SEVER mood swings,( I know I’m looking forward to all this too). I will take these wonder pills till about CD9 when I should have 1 to 2 good quality eggs.

2)      Next I will head on in to the doctors where she will do an ultrasound to see how my eggs are doing and to better time when I need to trigger.

3)      The trigger shot is a shot of HCG (yes the pregnancy hormone, and no It does not make me pregnant) I will be administering this myself or if I am feeling really daring J will do it for me. We will have this timed to happen at precisely the right time because it causes me to drop my now ripe and pretty eggs.

4)      At about 12 hours after trigger I will come in for the IUI this is kind of personal so if you think it will make you uncomfortable, stop reading now. I will be bringing a sample that J luckily gets to do at home. She will wash them (takes about an hour to 2 hours) and then will get a long catheter and insert the sample into my uterus.

And then I am all done for about 2 weeks when I will go back in to have my beta (blood) drawn to see if anything happened, most women would be put on progesterone in the 2WW, but my DR doesn’t think it will be necessary so we will see how it goes.

More on Infertility

I don’t know if I have mentioned, but I belong to an online community called The Bump, more specifically the Trouble Trying to Conceive board. I have found on there a thing called the common thread bracelet, basically this is a common piece of thread that women who are experiencing or have experienced infertility. Here is the information about the bracelets and the idea behind it. http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread.html.

            I plan to add a turtle to mine; it is the mascot for TTC board also there is a patron Saint named Sarah. She is the ST. for infertility and I have found a charm that I like to go with it, not cheap, but definitely worth it!

            It is snowing now and I am actually able to spend the day inside watching it. I’m also planning a movie night with the husband tonight, I bought movie theater popcorn and some candy. I think that with all the stress that goes along with infertility you really need to stop and spend time with your husband/partner. You need to keep the romance alive. Sometimes I become so consumed with our baby troubles that I forget Jon is hurting too and we need this time to be romantic.